


Worse than a soap opera

by Whis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby is Buck's Dad, Buck Begins, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Happy Ending, LITERALLY, M/M, More Than Usual, Original Characters - Freeform, i blame discord, the buckley family is messed up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21711895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: Claire Buckley was beautiful, the kind of beauty that made people stop doing whatever they were doing just to look at her, and she knew it, she has spent her entire life taking advantage of her beauty. It wasn’t just her looks, it was something else, call it a light, a spark, magic… It was just something intangible that was there, something that helped her to capture all kinds of fools in her net.She always believed the world was divided into predators and prey, and after a childhood suffering of all kinds of abuses, she promised herself she would always be the hunter.Or the one where Maddie and Buck's mom shows up at the station and the Buckley's life becomes a soap opera and it turns out that Bobby is actually Buck's dad.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 60
Kudos: 508





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I blame the discord Buddie group chat for this

Claire Buckley was beautiful, the kind of beauty that made people stop doing whatever they were doing just to look at her, and she knew it, she had spent half of her life taking advantage of her beauty. It wasn’t just her looks, it was something else, call it a light, a spark, magic… It was just something intangible that was there, something that helped her to capture all kinds of fools in her net. And she would take them, as her personal slaves, and would do whatever she wanted to do with them, because she always believed the world was divided into predators and prey, and after a childhood suffering all kinds of abuses, she promised herself she would always be the hunter.

Evan, her boy, had inherited that light from her, but he would never use it in the way she did, first, because he was the opposite kind of person, he had a kind soul and self-sacrificing personality that pushed him to save and protect, and Claire couldn’t imagine how her kid, her beautiful kid, has grown to become someone so… good. She guessed it has been his sister's influence, after all Maddie had been "weak" from the beginning.

Sometimes, when Claire was drunk enough and alone in some random bed of some random hotel, she would reflect, and sometimes she even felt bad about the way she treated her kids. But she never wanted them, she just wanted to have fun, and she had the money and the power to do it, so that is what she did.

Therefore, her kids were raised by a bunch of babysitters, a too serious, disciplinarian husband who spent more time at his job than with his kids, and the professors in the different boards where they were sent. Claire was always away, getting high and fucking women and men in upper-class parties and orgies, five-star hotels, and dirty bars she would never visit without the help of her best friends, Jack & Daniels and Cocaine. And she was happy, and that was why she didn’t care if her husband and her kids weren’t, because she was the only boss of her own life

But sometimes, after a bad trip or a bad fuck, she would think about the family she hardly ever missed and would wonder about their life, so she would call them, she would have a cold conversation with her husband, full of formalities and void of anything else. Then she would call Maddie, who would ignore her calls, and finally, she would phone who Evan would be the only one who would be slightly happy of hearing from her, they would talk about silly things because Evan loved to live in denial and wanted to believe his mom loved him, and Claire was too self-aware of her limits, her son needs, and also, she did love him in her own twisted way, so she would give his son the only thing she could without having to make an effort

But then, one day, Maddie number stopped existing, and Evan didn’t pick up… and when that happened three times in a row, Claire sat up, put on some clothes, called her personal assistant and demanded all the information available about her kids…

She wasn’t happy with what she learned about them

* * *

The Christmas party was a success, everybody was there, their families and their friends, plus some others, and Buck was static and proud of himself. Nobody believed he would be able to keep the secret, Athena was ready in case Buck gave the surprise away, but he didn’t and to see Athena Nash looking at him so full of love and pride made him feel like a million bucks

Then, of course, there were Eddie and Chris, they were both so happy, sure, it wasn’t like Shannon getting back to them, but they were together, and Buck was part of it, and he felt so elated looking at them being merry. He even had the mistletoe and some cheesy line ready to get that kiss from Eddie. It was stupid really, something Buck would have done when he was a teenager no a grown-up man. But this was the first time he was in love, and the first time he wanted to engage in a serious relationship, and it's with a man, and it's his best friend, who also happened to be a single father of a kid that Buck adored as if he was his. There were so many things that could go wrong that Buck felt that he needed some kind of back-up, like the mistletoe, if Eddie wasn't interested Buck could blame the mistletoe. It worked better than alcohol in the Hallmark movies that Maddie used to be. So Buck hold onto the mistletoe as if his life depended on it and went in search of Eddie... it looked like the older man was expecting him, he had a soft smile and a spark in his eyes, and Buck was just thrilled...

He really should have foreseen the other shoe to drop, there was always a shoe dropping when he was full of joy.

It started with a blonde mild aged woman, tall and blue-eyed, walking in the station with her loud heels and expensive perfume making her presence known

“Evan and Madeleine Buckley” roared with a voice that the Buckley siblings knew oh too well.

“Oh crap” he heard his sister say, reading his mind

It didn’t take too long for Claire to get to the top floor. Buck rolled his eyes at his sister when he saw the line of men looking at his mother behind. It wasn’t new for him, but he never got used to it

“Here you are,” she says when she gets to them “My little boy… So precious and beautiful” she exclaims with arms open, waiting for him to give her a hug, as if she cared about him. That was always her way to salute him, always pointing out the only thing she liked about him that he looked like her. At least he had that going on, because his mother ignored Maddie, as usual, and Buck always believed it was kind of ironic that his father ignored him and favored Maddie, as much as Peter Buckley would favor any of his children

“Mother” answered Buck and Maddie almost at the same time, and well, it’s how they always called her mother, always with the same polite, reverent tone. After all, Claire was a volatile woman, and although she never hit any of them, the two siblings had been in the receiving end of her cholera more than once, and it was something to avoid

And then, someone else spoke, and that was the biggest surprise of everybody's life

“Claire?”

Buck saw with horror and fascination how her mother turned on her heels, took a look at the source of that voice and her face mutated into one mask of horror, just for one minute thought, and then got back to her usual cool, elegant, put together face

“Bobby?”

Suddenly, Buck realized that there were very few ways her rich mother could have known Bobby, and knowing his mother, and with Buck's kind of luck, it probably involved sex and drugs. His mother was looking at him, and then at Bobby, and back at him, and she didn’t look her collected self. Buck was not used to seeing her mother freaking out, though for anyone seeing the scene, Claire Buckley looked the perfect, composed, lady. But Buck knew her, even better than Maddie did because Claire did spend time with him from time to time, and he sensed she was nervous and afraid

“How do you know each other,” Claire asked with a strange tone of voice, the one she used to get when things didn’t go as she planned, which hardly ever happened. 

“He is my boss”

“I’m his boss,” Buck and Eddie replied at the same time

“Oookaaaaaaaaaaaayy… That is fine… But I’m here to see my babies… You are not answering my calls kids” she admonished, which makes Buck and Maddie roll their eyes for the umpteenth time, and they know they will be rolling them a lot until she left

“Mom, I couldn’t…” started to explain Buck, because even though he knows his mother is all kind of toxic, he hated to disappoint her. But Claire cut him off and started talking quickly and efficient, as usual, without leaving room for anyone else in their conversation

“Schhh… I heard everything… You got crushed by a fire truck, then you got yourself in the middle of a tsunami, and started a lawsuit to get this stupid job back… You don’t need to do any of this stupid savior thing, you have could take your place at Grandpa’s”

“That is not what I want…”

Now it’s Claire turn to roll her eyes, she waved off her son and started with her daughter

“And you Maddie… You killed your husband… And you have to watch what you eat, you don’t have Evan and me metabolism”

Maddie's face felt, and that was the moment that Buck had enough, so he grabbed her mother by her arm and dragged her outside with Maddie in their heels… Or at least, that was what he assumed. He wasn’t expecting Bobby, looking at him with a face he couldn’t decipher, and although he was curious, Buck didn’t have time to deal with Bobby overprotective self, Buck was determined to get rid of her mother, for his and Maddie sanity.

“Bobby, what do you…” he asked Bobby, hoping his boss would understand he needed to be alone with his mother. He knew how to deal with her, though he hated it when he had to do it

Bobby opened and closed his mouth, looking at him utterly fascinated as if that were the first time he saw him, and he kept doing the perfect impersonation of a fish out the water until Claire said

“So you did the math”

And at the beginning Buck didn’t get it, what did that ever mean, but then he saw the tears in Bobby's eyes and, yeah, he did his own kind of math, even though he didn’t know dates and details, but the faces were enough. He just couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it... Bobby was his dad? His biological dad? And that explained so much, the way that his father... rather, the man he thought was his father, ignored him and treated him like shit. He never hit him, there were never physical abuses at his home, but he never felt beloved by his father, and her mother was complicated, but deep down, he knew she loved him as much as she was able to love any human being who wasn't she. Buck always knew that was why he attached himself to Bobby the way he did because he was the father figure he never had. And now, here they were... the irony was unbelievable and complicated, and wonderful at the same time... But there were so many things to consider, his whole life had been turned upside down in a way that left him with only one thought and one thing to say

“Oh shit"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after Buck and Maddie's mother drops the bomb
> 
> Bobby POV

Claire headed out as abruptly as she arrived, leaving behind a path of chaos and destruction, and also papers and lawyer numbers to fix the things she broke. It wasn’t anything new for her kids, and regret wasn’t part of the equation for her, though this time she was well aware of the bomb she had dropped at her son’s lap. It didn’t last long, she just needed a shot of whiskey and a couple of grams to forget, and then she was out of their life again. She would call again when the guilt and hangover were too much until then she would just roll with the wave and have fun… And ignore her dad and husband calls.

* * *

At the station, Bobby, Buck, and Maddie were still at the same spot where everything happened, right between the fire-truck and the ladder-truck, and perhaps it was fitting that something like that happened right there.

“So” Buck tried to start a conversation, but as soon as it started, he shut his mouth. No that he didn’t know what to say, he had a lot of questions, comments and even jokes to lighten the mood, but the moment he started to speak he realized he just couldn’t voice either of those things, he was just too overwhelmed to the point he had lost his voice.

Bobby on his part was feeling pretty much the same, he had too many questions and things to say, and he just didn’t know where to start.

It was Maddie the one who spoke first with something resembling a conversation.

“So, we should… Get back to the party, get drunk and talk about it tomorrow?”

Bobby and Buck just directed at her one of those looks that could have killed her, if looks were able to do such a thing. _Right, she forgot Bobby was an alcoholic_

“Sorry” she apologized honestly “what I mean is we shouldn’t allow Mother to crash the party,” she said earnestly whilst she grabbed Buck’s hand, begging him with her eyes “so please, just let’s go back to normal” 

Buck nodded, and Bobby just lowered his head. He knew what Maddie really meant with her request: she didn’t want things to change, she didn’t want her family to change, and she wanted the current status quo to last. And Bobby got it, but it was just hard to fathom their lives going back to normal after something like that. He just couldn’t ignore the fact that Buck was his son. However, he also knew enough about Buck’s mother to know he couldn’t jump to conclusions before they had run the tests, she wasn’t trustworthy, and he didn’t want to get his hopes up. But how couldn’t he? His mind might have been careful and cautious about the whole deal, but his heart was singing because there was a part of him that has been calling Buck _son_ for a long time, and he knew Buck was calling him _dad_ as well. It had been an unspoken thing between them since almost the beginning, probably even before the team has found him after his last relapse. However, he knew they had to wait until all the tests were done and they had a real answer, they all knew, therefore they decided it would be for the best to keep the secret until they knew for sure. 

“Why to worry everyone?” had asked Buck, and Bobby knew he was being only partially honest, it was a way out and a way to be in denial for a little while. It was good enough though for Maddie and him, a perfect way to go back to the party and have fun as if nothing had happened. And if the results were negative they could just forget about everything and nobody had to be the wiser.

* * *

Later on, when he was at home, in bed with Athena, he finally could tell her everything, although he knew he shouldn’t, because Buck, Maddie and himself had made a promise, but he was pretty sure Buck and Maddie had already broken the mentioned promise, at least that was what he told himself. Athena didn’t say a word while he explained to her how he met Claire all those years ago and what happened. It hadn’t been romantic or funny, it had been a toxic disaster that had lasted for more than 1 month and it had consisted of sex and drugs, which had been quite the irony as they have met in a rehab clinic.

“So, apparently, there is a chance that Buck might be my biological son,” he said with a trembling voice, and Athena just took some breath before falling in a deeper silence. It took too long for Athena to gather her thoughts and words, but finally, she was able to ask.

“And how do you feel about this?” that was a good question. With all the chaos, the shock, the surprise, and the fears, Bobby hadn’t had time to analyze his feelings, and he knew he should do it.

First, there was fear, ugly and paralyzing, it reminded him of all the things that could go wrong, it whispered in his head he shouldn’t feel hopeful because he didn’t deserve it, and Claire wasn’t trustworthy, he might not be Buck’s father, so he shouldn’t get his hopes up because it always ended in disappointment, because that was what he deserved. It was all darkness and ugly words that made him felt sick and stupid.

On the other hand, though, there was joy and happiness, and he didn’t want to duel on all those feelings because, in his experience, they were the shorter path to grief, but they were strong and loud, and winning a battle that that kind of feelings didn’t usually win in Bobby psyche, and that was even scarier.

“I don’t know… I’m excited and afraid at the same time… I don’t really know” he finally answered with a sad voice, he didn’t know what was the protocol, what should he be feeling and saying. He hoped Athena told him. And that she did, or at least, she tried her best. She grabbed his hand between her two hands and started caressing him with her fingers, drawing a patterned path. It’s very soothing, something she used to do when Bobby felt bad or worried about something and there was nothing she could do to help him.

“Honey, that is understandable… But… Do you really think this changes anything? You already treat him like a son, you pretty much think of him as a son”.

Again, Bobby took his time, ran Athena words in his head, took a deep look into his soul, and opened his mind. Rationally he knew it shouldn’t change things and Athena was right about everything, as usual. But the fact was that it _changed_ things. For starter, he wouldn’t have to _hold it_ anymore. Sometimes he was so tired of having to pretend that Buck wasn’t different, that he didn’t hate every minute of every time that Buck had to be the hero, and he had to ask him to be one, that he hated he couldn’t hug him every time he got back safe and sound from a new danger, that he was tired of having to put a distance between them in the name of professionalism and society, a distance that he neither felt nor wanted. He never fully understood why Buck was different, but deep down he had some crazy theories and presentiments, and he was never brave enough to take a look into them, however, that day revelation changed everything, because it meant he wasn’t so crazy after all. But how could he explain that to Athena? Then, he remembered what his grandfather always said, that more often than not, the best way to start a story was from the beginning. So that was what he did.

Bobby shifted his body towards his nightstand, opened the drawer and got out his ballet, then, very carefully, he took out the picture and showed it to his wife.

“This,” he said, as a mode of explanation, honestly hoping she wouldn’t need more. But judging by her confused look, she did, and he shouldn’t be shocked. After all, she didn’t meet his grandfather, she didn’t see him in action, and she didn’t see all the small things that made this photo the most obvious explanation for his feelings.

“He is my grandfather... Was… He was my grandfather, he died about one month before Buck showed up at the station”.

“Right, I can see they are alike but…”

“I guess it’s all in the small things you know, like the way they walk around, the smile, and that thing Buck does with his head when he is confused, like a puppy… Grandpa did the same… And Brook, but I think she learned from grandpa, I don’t know… And that gesture with the eyebrows that Buck does when he knows he is right… Robert Jr did the same… That cocky smile… And when he was happy he would make everybody happy just with his smile because it was so open, just like Buck… And, you know, how Buck always wants to save everybody, and he is just there for everybody without a second thought… My grandpa was like that, and Brook and Robert too…”

“And you too,” Athena said softly, holding his hand with all the strength she could muster at that moment. She was starting to see where Bobby was coming from, and where he was going with all of this. He had convinced himself Buck was his son, and probably he did a long time ago, way before that woman showed up to put their collective lives upside down. She was afraid though. She trusted her husband's guts, she always had, and yet she could see how wishful thinking could mess up his instincts. 

Bobby could read his wife as an open book, he knew what she was thinking, and he couldn’t blame her, after all, he had the same fears, but he wanted to feel the joy if anything else for a couple of days, even though he didn’t know why it was so important. DNA and blood shouldn’t be so important, after all, at that moment, he had two kids he already loved as his own. But they were not his, they were Michael’s and Athena’s and that was something he always had in mind. There were boundaries he wouldn’t overstep, and he wouldn’t take Michael’s place, not ever, because he loved that man as a brother, so he was there for those kids and helped Michael and Athena with everything he could. However, he kept himself at a distance, although he knew it was on him and not on them. And then there were Brook and Robert Jr, his kids, and he couldn’t forget all the dreams that died with them. He always wanted to be a dad, to see his children grow up, go to college or whatever they wanted to do, get a partner and a family on their own, to share Christmas and weddings, and dances, and broken hearts and break-ups and everything. He had wanted to raise them, but he couldn’t. The guilt made him give up the dream altogether, and even though he had rebuilt his life with Athena and her kids, May and Harry were too old and have their own parents, and Bobby was fine with that and the role he played in the family, it was everything to him, but it wasn’t the same. 

And then, there was Buck. Bobby always thought he had done a lot to help Buck to grow up, and what a way of growing up, Bobby was so proud of him, and also of himself, and well, Bobby hardly ever felt proud of himself, he never had, and now, he just wanted to feel all those things without shame and limits, and that was what was starting to change… Or at least, that was he hoping for. He just didn’t know how to put it into words, because he didn’t truly understand what was going on in his own heart. 

“I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t understand it either… But I… I just have this feeling” he couldn’t keep talking, a lump in his throat prevented him, so he pointed at his heart, frustrated and nervous. 

“You have had it for a long time” Athena guessed with a soft smile

“Maybe…” he admits, and looks at Athena's eyes, so full of love and compassion. She puts a hand in his jaw, eyes wide and smile in place, because she was starting to understand.

“And this means, you are not crazy”

“Yeah” he admits

“And it’s liberating because you don’t have to hold it anymore” Athena presumed, and Bobby just broke down, because he just couldn’t believe how lucky he was, for having this woman who understood him so well, and her kids who loved him, and he loved them back so much, and now perhaps he had his own kid, and although he didn’t believe he deserved it, a voice within him kept telling him that perhaps he had been forgiven, that perhaps he had redeemed himself and it was God way of showing him that, that maybe he could just breath and enjoy the moment, and let himself be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, everybody for all the kudos, bookmarks, and comments. I'm very grateful for all of them and all the love this story is getting.   
> This is the first time I try to get into Bobby's head and I'm not sure I got it, I did my best  
> As usual, all constructive criticism is very appreciated


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck reflects and tries to navigate the afterward of his mother's visit. Buck 1.0 doesn't help at all

Bobby was wrong, Buck hadn’t told anything to anyone

In fact, he was all alone that night and the next day. although everybody believed he was with someone else: Eddie believed he was with Maddie, Maddie believed he was with Eddie, and Bobby and Hen believed he was with both. To Buck, it had been easy to leave them to make assumptions and to believe them.

He spent those days thinking and wishing he was off the blood thinners so he could have gotten drunk, but he couldn’t, and for him, it was the proof he wasn’t as freaked out as he should have been.

He knew his mother, she wasn’t precisely faithful or loyal, and his father had never treated him like a son, so yeah, he always thought there was a chance that Peter Buckley wasn’t his biological father. Hence why he wasn’t freaking out about his father not being his real father. In fact, it was a relief.

However, he was freaking out about Bobby being his father. What were the chances? It was just hard to believe. Though, it was harder to believe that Bobby Nash, the man who had given him advises to improve his romantic life and abandon his Buck 1.0 side, had fucked his mother and then forgot about it. And Buck knew his mother well enough to know that it hasn’t been a romantic affair. So yeah, he could imagine what kind of shit went down between Bobby and his mother, and wasn’t that a big problem? Even if Bobby weren’t his father, he had had sex with his mother, and that is an acknowledgment that Buck could live without.

And then, well, there was the father part, which was hard to ignore as Buck had pretty much adopted Bobby as a father figure since the moment they met, and Bobby hadn’t done anything to stop him, quite the opposite. But there is a difference between father figure and father, and Buck didn’t want to think about the implications of it and what would bring to the job. Would he have to leave, transfer, work with an overprotective Bobby?

And what if Bobby was sick and he was dying? Would he earn a father just to see him die, painfully and horribly?

All those questions and more kept swirling around Buck’s mind, and yeah, he was freaking out, but he wasn’t ready to admit the fact. He wanted to ignore the whole thing, better yet, he wanted to get back in time and just keep his mother away from Bobby and the station. After all, Buck had always been a firm believer in the ignorance is a blessing philosophy, especially in regards to his parents.

He got some calls and texts from everybody, but mostly from Bobby, Maddie and Eddie, which wasn’t unusual, but he was afraid of them finding out he was by himself on Christmas Day, which would end with one, or all of them, at his house. And any other day he would have been ecstatic, especially on such a significant date, but that wasn’t the day.

So he showered, put some clothes that made him look fine, and just allowed Buck 1.0 to resurface just for one day while ignoring the annoying voice in his head pointing out he was acting as his mother… And apparently Bobby, but he was trying to ignore that one with even more focus and energy.

He woke up in an unknown house, with two girls and another guy because he had thought an orgy would be a good idea. It worked for the night, but now he had to go back to work, looking like the wreck he was as it was too late to go back to his house

At least he was the first one to get to the station, so nobody would him showing up recking at cheap colony, alcohol, sweat, and cum. He really didn’t want Eddie to see him like that and didn’t want to disappoint Bobby, once again, so he decided to bury Buck 1.0 once more time and hope he wouldn't show up ever again.

He thought it would be best to wait in the gym, a great way to get everybody out of his back, but it didn’t work as Bobby entered the station and just made a beeling to him

“Hey” the captain said, and it was so uncomfortable that Buck wanted to cry

“Hey” he answered bitting his lips. 

“I got the results” Bobby sad after way too long without saying anything.

“You did” and well, Buck hardly could to contain his excitement and fear. Also, he couldn’t believe the results were already there

“Yeah, I’m clean”

“That is great, man”, and it was. He had been so worried about Bobby, and hearing he would be okay was the best news he had gotten in a very long time. But it was odd because any other day he would have given him a bro hug and Bobby would have accepted with his patented fatherly smile. But after the news, they got from Buck¡s mother neither of them knew what to do. Besides, Bobby had noticed Buck’s confusion when he told him. It has lasted a couple of seconds, but it was enough to make him realize that Buck had been expecting another kind of results

In the end, Buck thought he didn’t want their relationship to change, Bobby was his boss, his friend, and his mother craziness shouldn’t change that. So he did gave him the bro hug, only that Bobby held him, and it was weird and suspicious

“Bobby....” he started to say after Bobby freed him “I don’t want things to change… I mean, my mother it’s not trustworthy, she probably had a lot of lovers…”

Bobby nodded absentminded, but Buck could see that he didn’t believe him, not in the slightly

“Yeah, you are right, we should wait…”, and the younger man knew it was a lie, but he didn’t know what to say or how to act, he didn’t want to break his friend’s heart, but he knew the chances were against his boss, it was his mother, she was an unbridled, feminine version of Buck 1.0, but richer and freer.

Someone cleared their throat behind Bobby’s back, and that was the cue that made them realize the compromising posture the had. Buck still had his hand on Bobby’s waist, and Bobby’s were on his back. Just his luck that it was Eddie, looking at them as if he was landed in some kind of bizarro universe. Or perhaps was Buck the one who felt in an alternative universe.

Thank god Bobby was fast on his feet and knew what to say

“I got the results, I’m clean, I don’t have cancer…”

“Cap, that is fantastic,” Eddie said before giving Bobby a hug, the usual kind of hug, just in time for Chimney and Hen to join the fun, even though they didn’t know why they were hugging Bobby.

A couple of minutes later they were in the kitchen, with Bobby cooking something delicious and everybody talking. And of course, Buck should have known they were going to ask and everybody would know he had spent the day alone and the night in bed with some lonely people he had already forgotten. Luckily for him, he was saved by the bell.

A fire, with kids involved. He hated any case with kids getting hurt, he didn’t know, he just did. He was ready to gear up and go with Eddie into the build, but Bobby seemed to have another idea.

“Eddie, Chimney, you go in, Buck…”

“What, no, you can’t do that”

“Look, Buck, it’s not that… It’s… There are kids, and they are terrified and scared, and we got more very soon, and you are the best with kids”

It was the truth that there were kids, and they were stressed out, and some of them were really young, around 3 years old. But he didn’t believe he was the best one with kids, even though the rest of the squad agreed with Bobby. And yet, he had never been left behind to get him to take care of the kids, that was the cops jobs

“That is our job Bobby”, a familiar voice said behind them. Athena was sending a warning to his husband, and just like that, the blonde firefighter knew that she knew. But they didn’t have time for this, the house was in flames, and there were kids inside and kids outside, and people needed them. Thankfully, Bobby seemed to have the same thought as he nodded with his head and signaled to the house. And just like that, the captain started to give instructions and Buck did his job as usual, with Eddie, in the house, in the middle of the danger.

Afterward, when all was said and done, he was just furious at Bobby. For making it even more uncomfortable and for telling Athena. But he was mostly mad at his mother, why did she have to show up? She didn’t show up when he almost lost everything after he got crushed by the firetruck, but she had to show up for Christmas? As if she had ever cared about the holidays and the Christmas spirit.

“I’m sorry,” Bobby tells him when they are finally at the station and nobody is close enough to hear them “that was unprofessional”

“Yes, it was… Look, Bobby, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if you treat me like that I’m a firefighter and it had never bothered you…”

“Yes it had, every single time, but now, I guess, I have an excuse”

“But you don’t, look my mother isn’t…”

“I know Buck, I really do know what kind of person she is… She is a lot of things… But I think a liar is not one of them… And I know the chances are high”

“And how do you know that”

“We were in rehab”

And wow, wasn’t that a huge bomb he couldn’t believe

“No offense Bobby, but I know the kind of places she likes to go and I don’t think you could pay for that kind of lieu”

“Yeah told me all about the kind of rehab centers she used to go… She told me she was bored with them and she wanted to try something else, a cheap center… Which it wasn’t, but your mother has other standards”

And okay, that narrowed things and made everything more believable, however, Buck didn’t want to believe, he didn’t want to hope. 

“Look, Bobby, my mother is a liar, and she is very good at it… I’m just saying we should wait”

At first, Bobby nodded with his head, just to start shaking his head at the same time he brought his hands to one of the pockets in his pants, and then he took out what looked like an old picture

“Look, this is my grandfather, his name was William”

Buck grabbed the picture, with a mixture of curiosity and fear, he wasn’t sure what was the point that Bobby was trying to make but he was afraid. Then he looked at the picture, analyzed it and he figured out what Bobby was trying to convey. He and Bobby’s grandpa were pretty much alike, it wasn’t something exaggerated nor obvious, the man in the picture had darker hair, his nose was different and something else, although Buck couldn’t put his finger on it. However, the man had very similar eyes, the pouty mouth, and the jaw. So yeah, the blonde firefighter got it. However, Bobby wasn’t done yet, there were more pics that he lent to Buck 

“These were my oth- my kids…” he started talking about them, but Buck couldn’t hear anything he was saying. The picture left him without words, the boy… He looked like him at the same age and this one would be obvious for anyone who had seen him as a child… Well, his hair was lighter and perhaps if he took his time to study the picture, he would find more differences, but they were similar, too similar to be called a coincidence

“Are you okay?” asked Bobby with worry obvious in his voice

“What? Yeah, yeah… I just… I don’t know what to say”

“I know, me neither”

And the admission made him feel infinitely better. At least he wasn’t alone in this confusing ship.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but here I am, back at it  
> Hope you enjoy it

Eddie was jealous, and he didn’t even know why. 

He was well aware that it was the most stupid thing in the world, to be jealous of Bobby and Buck. Just stupid and wrong… But here he was, feeling like a caveman about to go there and beat down Bobby while some primitive part of his brain kept chanting  _ mine mine mine mine.  _ Fortunately, he still had some brain cells left that reminded him that Bobby was his boss, Buck wasn’t his, and he was likely hallucinating things because there was no way in hell that Bobby and Buck were a thing.

And yet, this was the third time in a row he found them in the locker room talking in whispers and being close.

“You are growling,” says a voice behind him, and fuck, he is, isn’t he?

“No, I’m not” he denies even though he knows he is a terrible liar and Chimney will basically laugh at him without believing a single word. He isn’t wrong, Chimney laughs. Hen snorts, which sucks because he didn’t know she was there. Somehow she is even worse because there is a deep in her jokes that is never there with Chim. Hen just  _ knows. _

“Do you realize how ridiculous are you being”, yep, he does realize that, but he won’t admit anything

“Am I? Look at them” and okay, he was expecting some snorts and laughs, but no, Chimney and Hen were silent, “guys, this is when you laugh at me again”.

“Right…”

They are quiet for a while, and Eddie starts to freak out silently. That is not how he expected the conversation to go.

“They have gotten closer, that is for sure,” Hen says, and what the fuck

“Are you serious right now? This is Buck and Bobby, they are like father and son” Chimney points out, and it sounds like he is trying very hard to convince himself but failing miserably.

“I know” groans Eddie, feeling stupid and ashamed of himself

“And Bobby is married… To Athena” Hen reminds them, and yes, that is a good point.

“Not even Buck would take that kind of risk” acknowledges Chimney in a vain attempt to lighten the mood.

“Bobby wouldn’t do that to Athena” points out Hen, and Eddie is thankful for his friends, and the list of very reasonable facts that prove that Buck and Bobby aren’t a thing… A romantic thing… Although the fact that Bobby and Buck haven’t realized the rest of the team is there and talking about them isn’t helping their case.

“And neither of them are into guys” he adds, because, how can he ignore the one reason that is keeping him away from Buck? Which is why it’s so annoying to see Chim and Hen laughing, that is no what he was expecting at all. It takes them way too long to calm down, and when they do Hen’s smile is quickly replaced by a frown.

“Oh, you are serious,” she says looking at him with disbelief painting her face

“Of course I am” Chimney snorts, and Eddie has to bite his lips to stop himself from hurting him, badly

“Oh, Eddie honey… Bobby is not into guys, but Buck is bi”.

“No, he is not”

“Yes he is”

“He has never mentioned any guy“

“Right, and how many girls has he mentioned to you” 

“A few”

“Abby, Ali and Taylor, and that is because you know two of those”

“Buck doesn’t like to talk about Buck 1.0”

“I know”

“But we lived through Buck 1.0 and I can assure there were a few guys, and okay, there were more girls, but there were some guys”

The conversation is cut abruptly when Bobby and Buck show up, the younger one looks nervous and shy, and Bobby looks happier than ever.

And Eddie… Eddie just wants the day to be done.

* * *

  
  
  


Lately, Buck finds it hard to stay inside his own skin, it feels too big for him, and he believes if he loses the hold he keeps in himself he will just fly away and disappear.

The whiskey burns his throat. It’s bad and cheap and it makes him miss the one his father always kept hidden, but it grounds him and it’s what he needs.

He closes his eyes and tries to think about nothing, keep his mind blank and empty, but it’s impossible. He just wants to forget the silliness that is his life.

It’s such a relief to hear a knock on his door. He needs company, a distraction, at this point even a neighbor complaining about something would be welcome. 

He gets up and walks the short distance to his door, but before he gets there, the indistinct sound of a key makes him slow his steps and wait. Sure enough, the door opens and Eddie shows up, letting himself in the flat,

“Eddie”

“Oh, hey Buck”

He looks… weird. His hair is a mess, which is something that Eddie hates, he is still in the clothes he was wearing before they started the swift, and there is still some dirt from the last call. It sends Buck all kind of warning signs and blaring alarms, but his friend is smiling, and even if it’s nervous and uncomfortable, Buck thinks it’s a good sign, he wouldn’t smile if something bad had happened to Christopher or his family.

“Hey, Eddie” he answers simply burrowing his eyebrows and waiting patiently for Eddie to explain what prompted this visit. But he doesn’t say anything, for way too long, prompting Buck’s thoughts to run wild, to the point that it occurs to him that perhaps his friend odd actions are related to street fighting “is this about street fighting?” he asks worried, praying the answer is a  _ no. _

“What? No, god no.” Eddie starts to walk like a caged lion rubbing the back of his head, and Buck is worrier and worrier by the minute.

“Eddie, you know you can tell me anything, whatever it is that…” he cuts him off with a groan and stops in front of him, he stays there, still, with a look of determination 

“Are you fucking Bobby?”

Any other day, the question would have taken him by surprise and made him feel grossed out, and perhaps indignant and hurt. He would have probably laughed because it makes no sense, it has never made sense. But now… Well, he feels physically ill just with how uncomfortable it makes him feel. 

The effect that the words has on him must be reflected on his face because Eddie answers his own question

“No, you are not, oh man, I’m sorry”

“Man, what the hell… How could you think… Are you out of your mind?”

“I’m sorry, Buck… But you both have been… Weird, you keep going to his office to talk, and he has never used his office, but suddenly you are there and you close the blinds, so we don’t see… And he hugs you a lot, and I’ve seen you in the locker room talking and I don’t know, this morning you were so close....”

“Okay fine, that is happening, but no, we are not… doing that” Buck cringes, unable to say the words, but he is especially disturbed because now that Eddie has listed all the things that made him suspicious, it makes sense

“Okay… What is happening then?”

“It’s not your business”

“I know, and I know you are like father and son and it might be weird, but man…”

Buck debates with himself. He knows Bobby has told Athena, and he has already spoken with the chief to get the paperwork ready in case the results come positive. Buck himself had to sign the papers. And then, he is sure Bobby has told his therapist and Maddie has spoken with hers… Buck is the only one who hasn’t told anyone, and perhaps he needs to talk and share it with someone. Who better than Eddie? 

“Do you remember my mother”

“Yeah, hard to forget” 

Buck rolls his eyes, he is so used to his friends crushing on his mother, though he expected better from Eddie… It’s difficult to ignore the hurt, but he should be used to Eddie taking an interest in someone who is not him. 

“No, Buck, I don’t mean… Like that, I don’t like your mother… I don’t like any woman…”

“What?” Buck asks, more and more confused by the minute, Eddie doesn’t make sense, and he wonders if his best friend is high or something.

Eddie seems to realize how dumb he sounds because he lowers his gaze and whispers.

“Sorry, please keep going” 

“Do you want a beer? I need a beer” Buck says after searching his mind for the right words to start this conversation and coming out with nothing. 

Also, a beer, it’s normal and routine, and Buck needs to grab any chance he gets to make his life look like it usually did. Finally, Eddie looks up to him and it seems that he can feel his need because he nods

“A beer would be good… Wait, is that whiskey?” he asks after his gaze finally falls on the table. Any other day, Buck would have laughed at Eddie’s lack of awareness, now it worries him and also, it reminds him that no, there isn’t anything normal about this day and the conversation they are about to have.

“Right, I forgot about that… Do you want a glass?”

“Yeah, why not” he answers with a small smile and shrugs and the younger man thanks to the universe for giving him a moment, if short, to gather his thoughts and calm himself.

He gets back with a clean glass that puts in front of his friend and pours him a glass that his friends gulps although it is clear that he isn’t enjoying the beverage, no that Buck blames him.

He knows he has to start talking before he loses the momentum, so with a sigh, he forces himself to start talking.

“So when my mother came to the station, it turns out that we found out that she knows Bobby”

“Oh, that is a coincidence” Eddie has that cute look of confusion and curiosity he always gets when he doesn’t know when the story is going, and it makes Buck smile. He knows his best friend is speculating in his mind, and he won’t guess anything. It would be fun if it wasn’t so fucked up.

“Ha, it is… They know each other like know  _ know _ ” and he really hopes that is enough, that Eddie understands the meaning behind his words before he has to pronounce the words, which is stupid because he isn’t a kid anymore, and yet, here he is, acting like one.

“Okay, so they know each other, did Bobby saved his life…” Buck shakes his head, wiggles his eyebrows, praying that Eddie reads his mind “Oh damm it, you mean…”

“Yep, they… had sex” he cringes, he really, really hates saying those words about Bobby and his mother… 

“Man, talk about uncomfortable…” Eddie acknowledges, and isn’t that the biggest truism ever?

“Right, there is more” Buck whispers, because he is getting closer to the real issue. If Eddie thinks he is being closer and having secrets with Bobby because he had sex with his mother, then Eddie is up to a big surprise.

“More than Bobby fu-having sex with your mother?”

“They met… Around 29 years ago”.

“Okay?”

“Around the time I was… You know…” he really needs Eddie to start using his brain and that ability they both have of reading each other minds, they always do so, and Buck is having a hard time explaining himself, and also understanding why Eddie isn’t guessing more. 

However, it’s fun to see the face of his friend when he sees it, like a piece of a complicated puzzle falling into place. The sear disbelief and fear on his face, the confusion… 

“Oh, oh… BOBBY IS YOUR FATHER?” 

It’s so weird to hear the words coming from someone else mouths. Not even Bobby, and he uses the words that much, actually, he can’t remember either of them uttering the words.

“Don’t yell, and we don’t know yet, we are waiting for the tests to come back... But, he has shown me pictures of his family, and well… He is pretty sure I’m his son, he has already spoken to the chief and has the paperwork ready, so they don’t break the team”.

“Oh, Buck I don’t know what to say,” Eddie tells him, so honest and earnest, and devastated because he doesn’t know how to help, how to fix the situation. Buck loves him for that, he actually loves him for a lot of reasons, but that is something he is trying very hard to ignore until the situation with Bobby settles down. One emotional storm at the time.

“Yeah, me neither” he finally admits, and it’s truth, but it’s also his way of telling the brunette that it’s fine if he doesn’t find the words

Eddie pours himself another glass and does the same for Buck, but neither of them drinks, they stay there looking at some point of the coffee table, deep in thought, trying to come to terms with a changing reality. The silence is a comfortable one, and it helps them to fall into their own skin. They aren’t in a rush, so they enjoy the moment.

Finally, Eddie breaks the silence, with the glass in his hands and his gaze intently focused on the blonde.

“And how are you feeling?”

“I don’t know” Buck answers honestly after truly searching for the answer within him

“And your father… I mean…” Buck knows what he is talking about, so he cuts him off. So far, his father, or whatever, has been a taboo between Bobby and him, and if he thinks about it, he has been so way before his mother showed up at the station, and not only with Bobby.

“We have never been too close, I guess now I know why,” he says with a laugh, but there is nothing fun about that statement, it has always weighed him down, a pain he has always carried around like an invisible blanket.

“That sucks man… So perhaps it isn’t a bad thing this Bobby thing?” Eddie cringes at what he said, although Buck understands, what he means, why he said it…

However, something breaks inside Buck’s chest when he hears those words. No, it’s not a bad thing, but it doesn’t make it less painless. Perhaps Peter Buckley had been distant and cold, he probably would never win an award to the best father, but Buck loved him nevertheless.

“He isn’t a bad guy,” he says weakly because the truth is that he doesn’t know a lot about Peter Buckley, the man he always believed was his father “he is just… distant… He is a SEAL”.

“You know being a SEAL isn’t an excuse for whatever shit he put you through”

“I know, grandpa was a SEAL too… He… was probably the only good influence in our lives… He was… Well, everything I wanted my father to be. But my father… I guess he wasn’t too good with the civilian life… But we have our moments, you know?”

“That is good,” Eddie says, although is obvious he is not entirely convinced, he seems determined to think the worse about Buck’s father, so the blonde rush to try to convince him that his father was a good man, that he did some good things. It’s the debate he has kept with himself all his life, and some days, he doesn’t even know why it’s so important.

“We have fun with training and everything… He wanted me to be a SEAL, you know grandpa was a SEAL, he was a SEAL, so he taught me a lot of things to get me ready for the academy”.

“But it’s not what you wanted” Eddie guesses, and isn’t that the half-truth that Buck hates the most about his life. Because there was a part of him that wanted it, that enjoyed the training, and the fight, and the weapons when he was a kid and believed it was game, and something to spend time with a father that the rest of the time ignored him, and only was proud of him when he hit the target.

“I did try, you know… I even got past Hell Week, I mean, it wasn’t worse than camping with dad… But the job, the real job… That I couldn’t do it… I was too sensitive. Grandpa got it and helped me to get out… My father never understood, he was furious, we haven’t spoken since I quit”.

“I’m sorry Buck…”

“Yeah, thanks, man… It’s just, I don’t know, I guess I always figured out we could mend things, but now… I guess there is no point”.

“I don’t know your father and I don’t know what kind of man he is, but I can assure you that I wouldn’t stop loving Christopher if I found out he wasn’t my son”

“Yeah, that is the thing, I don’t think he loved me too much to begin with”

“He trained you, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, he did… because his best friend would take his son with him, so my father had to take me with him”

“Okay… But I’m a soldier myself, and I think, he trained you to keep you safe, so you could protect yourself and you were ready to face anything”.

Buck nods, deep down, he knows that, but most of the time, it’s what he wants to believe.

Growing up, his father was more of a sergeant instructor than a father. Besides Maddie, it was his grandfather who treated him like a kid and gave him all the love and guidance he needed. And then he had died and Buck has been devastated and lost for a long time. And now...

“And grandpa… I guess grandpa wasn’t my grandpa either”.

“It’s just biology Buck”

“It’s just… Bobby is ecstatic because he is gaining something, I’m just an addition, me being his son doesn’t mean his other kids weren’t his… But for me… I’m learning that my life is a lie… There is a whole side of my family that is not my family… My father, my grandparents, grandpa is dead, but grandma… ” 

Buck sobs cut off his words. He couldn’t keep going, suddenly the overwhelming reality of what was happening to him became clear, and he could only see the losses.

When Eddie grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him into his open arms, Buck can only allow himself to be held and taken care of. The brunette tries his best to calm him down, but it’s hard when his own heart is breaking at the sight of his friend’s pain. After a couple of beats, Eddie lays down dragging Buck with him.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes or an eternity until they fall asleep. 

It’s something they’ve wanted to do for a long time, probably since they meet, though they would never admit, not even to themselves, that their feelings were that old.

Eventually, they fall asleep, finally at peace, although they are not where they wanted to be, they can start to acknowledge that they are getting there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for every comment, every kudos and every show of love and interest you have left here, and in my other works, it's so much appreciated, so please, keep it coming ;)


	5. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter Buckley pays a visit to Buck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hints at SEAL Buck
> 
> Loosely inspired by the song Monsters by James Blunt.

_ "I'm not your son, you're not my father _

_ We're just two grown men saying goodbye _

_ No need to forgive, no need to forget _

_ I know your mistakes and you know mine" _

_ Monsters, by James Blunt _

Peter Buckley was a man in a mission without a mission. But that has been his life since he retired, always longing for a fight and a purpose that wasn’t there.

He expected to find neither today, he didn’t want to. For once, he wanted to keep things on the peaceful side.

The station wasn’t what he expected it to be. There is a warm, homey quality to it, and he thought it was a testimony of the firefighters and everything they represented. 

It suited his son.

He could feel all eyes on him, full of curiosity and distrust. He knows how he looks. So out of place. 

People always describe him as cold and palé, as a vampire or some other evil creature. No, that anybody would dare to say any of those things to his face, no that he would care.

Perhaps it’s because of the way he looks, and how comfortable he is with it, that he has always had a hard time trying to look more approachable, no that he wanted to.

The truck arrives at that moment as if it could feel his presence.

Red and brilliant, it's imposing but no threatening which he guesses it's the whole point.

Firefighters, the héroes. The ones that save lives without taking any

Of course, that is the path his son chose. 

He tries to remind himself, he is not his son, he never was

He can discern the moment Buck sees him because his face changes, his smile disappears, his eyes become dull and he becomes smaller, duller. It wasn’t always like that, whether the younger man wants to remember or not, they had their moments, good and bright  times  filled with understanding and smiles.

Peter's eyes search for the man who fathered his son. It would be different if he was a stranger, but the old Buckley knows his son has seen that man as some sort of father for a very long time, lawsuit  none standing

“Evan…” he says with the same tone he has always used with him, the same one he uses with his best recruits, the ones he is gonna push the most because they can be the best, they have to be the best. It’s cold and demanding even if he isn’t  demanding anything.

The young man opens and closes his mouth like a fish out the water, it’s a look he has always despised, Buck should know better than be taken by surprise and show it

The silence lasts longer than he would have liked, until the captain takes a step ahead, formal and warm, but wary, and extends his hand as a salute that Peter accepts. A  shake of hands is always a good way of getting to see more of your opponents. 

A lot of things he needs to know about Captain Robert Nash are in that salute and Peter Buckley takes note

“Morning Captain…” he makes a pause, waits for the man to introduce himself even if he knows everything there is to be to know about the man, even the things Captain Nash ignores

Buck rolls his eyes, he knows all his tactics and he was never fond of them, probably because he has been in the receiving end his entire life

This time isn’t different and Buck knows it. Nevertheless, he does what Peter expected him to do, he steps up and takes the lead

“I got it,” he says, and even though it’s directed to his squad, Peter is aware he is talking to him, acting for him. 

Peter nods, it’s what he wants, a few words with the kid. He doesn’t care about anyone else.

He wouldn’t mind a few words with the rest, letting them know what he thinks about all the things that lead to the lawsuit.

He can’t. His son didn’t tell him, he didn’t ask for his help. And yet, he did help, as he has done so many times. It’s what he does, he is an expert in acting from the shadows and the corners of the world

Buck takes him to the back, as warm and comfortable as the rest of the station is, even though it’s obvious it doesn’t get a lot of care

Once there, they are face to face. The younger man is having a hard time trying to mask his discomfort and nervousness. He is better at masking and hiding than he thinks he is, but no with Peter. They know each other too well for that 

“So…” he says and seems to expect something as if Peter could answer to something that banal. 

They both know better

Peter wouldn’t waste their time with chit chats and shallow conversations 

“You are going to receive the results today”

“And…”

“You know the answer, Evan, you are far from stupid”

The silence that follows is tense and uncomfortable, which they both know it’s pretty much how it has always been between them, well, most of the time at least

Peter can see it, the question in the other man’s eyes, the one that could open Pandora’s box, and he wonders if Buck will dare to ask. He is almost sure he won’t, but then again, he was never really good at predicting his son’s actions, something he always hated and loved with passion, after all, he is used to be right all the time, to have all the answers, to predict and plan ahead of anything

“Did you know?”

“What do you think?”

There is a silence, oppressive and uncomfortable even for a cold man like Peter Buckley. He did and Evan has to be aware of it. 

And Buck… He probably knew too

He wants to ask more, a question that Peter has always heard even though it was never asked

And perhaps it is time he gives the kid an answer, an honest answer.

“I would have done the same, the right thing”

And that is the truth, as messed up and heartbreaking as it is. He knows the younger man will never understand. He is caring and doting whereas Peter is not. 

Evan Buckley likes to show his love with hugs, big gestures, and loving words.

Peter Buckley shows his love by giving his loved ones the tools to be strong, independent, capable, warriors.

Evan Buckley gives everything he feels and has to the people he loves.

Peter Buckley teaches everything he knows to the people he loves

They understand each other's methods, but their methods collide.

Peter Buckley motto is “emotions make you weak”

Evan Buckley motto is “emotions make you stronger”

What both of them mean is emotions make you human

They are silent for a couple of beats, seizing each other as they have done their entire life

“I believe you,” Buck says and that is all Peter could hope for.

He wasn’t asking for forgiveness, but he needed Buck to understand.

So he nods and hopes the heavy conversation is over.

It seems like it, so Peter opens his jacket. There is the paperwork and Peter wants things to be easy for his son

He can see the moment something shifts in Buck. It’s the moment he grabs the pencil, his father's pencil, Buck’s grandfather’s pencil. Something the old man loved and that Buck had always wanted.

Buck’s usually open face transforms into a mask of rage and fury.

“YOU USED ME. YOU MADE ME DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND I TRIED, TRIED, TRIED… I WAS NEVER ENOUGH!!! I COULD NEVER BE ENOUGH BECAUSE I’M NOT YOUR SON, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH, YOU HAVE LIED TO ME ALL MY LIFE, YOU MADE ME FEEL ASHAMED… YOU… YOU”

Buck's outburst wasn’t something he contemplated, but he has spent a lifetime dealing with Buck and his passion. He was never obedient or submissive, and contrary to what Buck believes, Peter always admired that about the young man. 

And then he decides he deserves to know. Because he did lie to him and perhaps he can give him the truth even if it’s one the younger man doesn’t want to hear

”You are wrong”

Buck shocks his head, unable to believe a man who he thinks has lied to him for years

“You were enough Buck, you were more than enough, you were more than I ever thought you could be Buck, but you don’t want to hear that, you don't want to hear that you were a natural at switching off your humanity, because deep down you never wanted to be good at it, so you denied that part of yourself… But you are who you are Buck. It doesn’t matter the blood or the DNA because you are my son,  _ Evan _ , in everything that matters”

And with that, he leaves.

Buck doesn’t answer until he is gone

"You are wrong" he whispers then and he is the only one who can hear it

Both know he is more like Peter than he wants to admit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking this long to update.  
> Inspiration has been weird and fragile since COVID stroke  
> I hope to be able to post the last chapter before the premiere airs, It's already written, just need some edit  
> Hope you like this


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Maddie talk

Peter Buckley was right. 

They got the results later on that day

Just one text message to change their lives completely

Buck knew, and yet he wasn’t ready to open the document and read the words

Match 

He turned off the phone, he just couldn’t deal with it. 

The calls, Bobby, the consequences 

Bobby said he had the paperwork ready, but Buck didn’t think it was that simple. What if the bosses didn’t accept the paperwork? Would they re-assign him? Make him change the squad? The shift? The station? 

Obviously, they wouldn’t do any of that to Bobby, after all, he is the captain and Buck is just the guy that filled a suitcase against the department and the city

And even if they didn’t want him to change stations, did Buck want to stay and be under Bobby's orders?

And that is just the start of his worries

Perhaps that is why he finds himself at Maddie’s first thing after his shift. Chim is there, he knows it because he himself told him so, but Buck needs his big sister, he always does.

Maddie opens the door with a smile that disappears the moment she sees him in the deplorable state he is. His hair is still wet, curls have gone wild and his shirt is way too thin for this time of the year, and also wet too. He is a mess, and he is not even crying… yet

“What happened?” she asks with a tone that is demanding and full of worry at the same time.

He doesn’t answer, he just falls in her arms and hopes she will never let him go

“Bobby is my father” he whispers in her ears and he sinks deeper into her embrace.

“I don’t care, it doesn’t change anything, I’m here, I’ll always be here” she answers, fiercely and confident, just his big sister ready to fight the world with him and for him, as usual. 

He wants to believe, but he knows how it is, life is complicated, and gets in the middle of everything.

As if feeling his nervousness, she pushes him and forces him to look at her.

She is standing there, so much smaller than him but larger than life itself

“I promise Buck,” she says and she does sound deadly serious, and yet he finds himself asking, just like when he was a little kid and he needed his sister to save the day

“Pinky promise?”

He sounds small even to his own ears, but Maddie just smiles sweetly, full of love and pride, as she always did, as if he was five years old and she was trying to calm him down after some nightmare or some strange noise coming from under his bed

“I pinky promise,” she says grabbing his finger with hers in the universal gesture of a serious, unbreakable pinky promise

Perhaps it’s stupid, childish, and silly, but Buck finds himself relaxing. Suddenly, he just believes everything it’s gonna be alright, if only for a couple of hours he stays at Maddie’s house, talking about anything but the elephant in the room

It’s only he has left that Maddie cries in his boyfriend’s arms because she is afraid of losing him too.

“Nothing is gonna change, Buck is still your brother, he won’t leave you”

And Maddie knows Chimney is right, she knows… But she won’t believe it until much later, days later, when she tells Buck and he answers with the same pinky promise she did


	7. The end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end that is the beginning

It’s around 3 am on the same day they got the results and Buck is still tossing and turning in bed, unable to shut up his brain when there is a knock on his door. 

He should have known turning off his phone wouldn’t deter Bobby Nash

At least he knocked instead of using the key, he’ll give him that

With a deep breath, Buck opens the door and faces the man

He is not ready, but he is pretty sure he will never be ready for this kind of conversation. How could he?

They both just look at each other in silence, awkward and uncomfortable, which isn’t really new for them, but Buck hates it. 

He has always hated that kind of moment because there is always a point when he needs to fill in. The result is never pretty, he isn’t good at it, he isn’t especially articulate or smart, he isn’t good at speeches so he ends listing a bunch of useless, boring facts or spilling all the feelings he is trying to hide.

He knows he is leading for the latter, which isn’t good…

Finally, Bobby breaks the moment to get into the apartment. It doesn’t end the silence but it’s a start and it gives them a couple of seconds to regroup.

“I don’t know what to say” Bobby murmurs, and it’s not the icebreaker Buck was hoping for, and although he feels the same, he doesn't believe they are coming from the same place.

“I get it” he lies because, as irrational as it sounds, this is Bobby, and Buck always expects him to knows what to say and what to do to fix anything.

The silence keeps growing and Buck realizes he is furious at Bobby's lack of… well, he is not sure what, but he is missing something coming from the other man.

Answers? Sure, that is Bobby specialty 

Questions? There should have been some… 

Happiness? Well, he wanted his father to be happy about being his father, one disappointed dad was enough, thank you...

All the above? That was it

And yet, instead of talking about what he wants, the words coming out of his mouth are: 

“What do you want Bobby?”

The question takes them by surprise, neither of them sure they want to explore the layers and layers hidden behind those five words

Bobby sighs, it’s that tired sound he does when he realizes he is gonna have to do all the job. Buck hates that sound because it comes with its own set of hidden meanings and messages that make Buck feel lacking. It's the same disappointing sight he has heard his whole life, coming from Peter Buckley, his mother, his teachers, the babysitter, Bobby himself. 

For some reason, even if this Is not the first time Bobby sounds done with him, Buck feels it as a punch in his guts.

As if sensing his turmoil, Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder in a way that forces Buck to look him into his eyes.

There isn't disappointment or exhaustion, just something akin to what Buck imagines his own eyes must reflect. Fear, sadness and a little bit of hope

“I know this is difficult for you, that this changes your whole life and you probably feel like you are losing the family you’ve always known, and I don’t know them enough to know what is going to happen with them and I hope you can keep them in your life, but whatever happens you are going through something difficult and painful once again that and I’m sorry you have to deal with that… but I’m not sorry you are my son, I don’t regret it because God knows I’ve loved you like a son for years… you ask me what I want, and what I want is what any father wants...I want you at home when we have a family dinner, I want to take you camping with Michael and Henry, I want… I want you to be a part of my family without having to make out some weird excuse to have you there… And I want you to want those things too… but above all of that I just want you to be happy“

Buck thinks it’s the first time someone has told him something like that. It’s so simple and simplistic, so much that it sounds lazy and childish. But the moment Buck hearts those words he feels the warmth spreading throughout his soul.

Just a few days before something changed between him and Eddie. They crossed the line but they are still with one foot on both sides. It’s a matter of time, and Buck knows it, he is confident on it, but he didn’t know what was holding them.

Now he knows. All the fear and the uncertainty he was feeling since her mother revelation had been spreading onto everything in his life, including Eddie

Bobby’s words put an end to all those fears, the doubts.

He wants the same things Bobby wants, always has.

Since he was a kid all he ever wanted was a family, a real family to share food and moments, and he had, with Maddie and his grandparents, but he always missed his parents

There is a lot of things that they need to talk about. The job, the rules, the boundaries, the simple things like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Sundays. 

But Bobby’s words are all he needs to know.

Bobby cares. It’s in his speech, his gestures, and everything he does.

He sees him.

And at that moment, it’s everything he needs


End file.
